ramblings of an insomniac

It's 2:30 in the morning, here I am at the computer, sitting in the dark, hoping the light of the screen won't wake up Bruce.

I finally went to bed around 1:00 after starting to fall asleep on the couch, watching all my shows that were recorded on the DVR. I quickly got into bed before the sleepiness could wear off. For the next hour I proceeded to have quite a conversation with myself. It's not anything too unusual, I talk to myself pretty frequently. I just try not to do it out loud for fear of looking too weird. (Although the technology age has relieved me of some of my fears, strangers will just think I'm using a hidden ear phone thing. Oh wait, my hair is pulled back into a ponytail.) Anyways, back to my pleasant conversation. I redid an unpleasant conversation I had with someone, using some great comebacks to make myself come out ahead this time. I had a few converstaions that haven't happened yet, may never happen, but I'm ready if they ever do. I had converstations with people that didn't happen but I wished had. After an hour of this, and sometimes repeating the same thing multiple times, I got bored with myself, (really it should have happened much sooner, these things weren't that interesting,) I got up.

I try to get out of bed if I'm not asleep within 20-30 minutes. That's what all the experts say you should do. (And I've read plenty on what the experts say you should do for this problem, and I've tried many of them.) Don't lay in bed forever, it will only make it worse. But the problem is nothing seems to work, especially lately. The lack of sleep has gotten pretty bad. I can function fine during the day, at least after the hour or so it takes me to actually wake up. It's just the annoyance of being tired all the time, of being up so late with nothing to do, of having thoughts of my pillow all day yet thoughts of everything else all night.

I'm plenty tired at night, I just can't get my brain to shut off. Bruce is asleep within 5 minutes of laying down. That really annoys me. How can someone fall asleep so quickly. It takes time to find just the right spot. Many turns of the body, fluffs of the pillow, blanket on, blanket off, blanket half on, what's that light over there, did I check on the kids, this pillow is so uncomfortable tonight, I hated that thing that happened today . . . and there starts another conversation with myself.

I've thought of going to a doctor. First I have to find a good one, and that's a huge issue itself. I have to decide what I'm even willing to do, pills? I don't know.

And so I sit here in the dark. So far so good, Bruce hasn't noticed this noisy keyboard. I'll get to sleep eventually. I've only gone with nothing 2 or 3 times. It will come, it just won't be much. I've gone on 3 hours of sleep more times then I like to remember. Church is at 9:30 am. Perfect, I can take a nap tomorrow afternoon, which will guarantee I'm up again tomorrow night. Ah the vicious cycle. Although if I somehow force myself to stay awake all day in hopes of a good nights sleep, I still manage to be wide awake as soon as my head hits that pillow.